Well, I couldn't kill myself. I guess that's thanks to you guys.

I can't believe how much traffic my page got. I didn't expect anybody to notice this at all. Thank you.

It's been a few days since my last post, and I've had some time to
clear my thoughts a little. I'm still not at my best, but to be honest the comments that were posted on this site went a long way to helping me out.

I'm not going to lie, I'm still not okay. I started taking my meds again, and I don't feel a lot better because of it, but it's a start.

I'm still lonely, and I'm still bored, but you have given me something I didn't have before: hope.

There is more to life than just pain, and I'd like to go and find the joy in life. It's not going to be easy to break out of my shell. But I have to. To stop myself from being suffocated by my sadness, I have to.

I sent SMHA an e-mail recently. They were incredibly supportive of me, and they didn't even know me. I guess these students actually do care; most of the one's I've met don't seem to at all. In any case, I'm so grateful they were there for me, and that they left their message on my blog.

I called Kid's Help Phone yesterday. They were so helpful to me. It was just fantastic to have someone to talk to; a shoulder to cry on. I used to think that those paid therapists didn't care, but this one, Carl, really seemed to. He gave me his personal line and told me to call him if I ever needed him. And I actually believe he wants me to. I have never felt like that before.

I burned my noose yesterday; the one I was going to hang myself with. It doesn't change much, but to me, it's a symbol. I'm not going to try to kill myself ever again.

Thank you so much, dear reader. For actually caring enough to read this. I can't tell you how much it means to me for you to have stuck around this far. I will write more. The pain is still there, and I can't ignore it. So I guess I'll just write about it. That's all I can do. And I guess all I can ask you to do is read it. You don't have to. This place is about me, really. But still, thank you for being here.

My scattered thoughts thus far

Pain. It is all that I feel. And it is all that I am.

It's always been the same. I wake up. I get out of bed. I go to school. I come home from school. I go to my room. I repeat for the next day.

What a tediously purposeless life I lead.

Most days I ask myself why I even bother to get out of bed in the morning. I mean, it's not as if tomorrow's going to be any different than today.

I don't even know what's pushing me to write this. Maybe I just want people to know how bad it is to be me.

Do you know what it's like? To see everyone, so happy, chatting with their friends, thinking about their plans, and then there's you: the loner. Nobody to talk to, nothing to say.

It's such a simple life I lead. And yet, it's so painful.

I can't think of a bigger waste of human life than myself. Honestly, even bad people at least do SOMETHING with their lives.

I just can't ever find the motivation to do anything. It's like I'm trapped in this pit with no hope of ever climbing out.

I hate you. I hate myself. I hate everything and everyone I see. I just want it all to go away.

I've been on anti-depressant meds my whole life. It doesn't make a difference if I take them or not, because nobody cares about me anyways.

Nobody cares about me. Nobody will miss me when I'm gone.

It's funny, I tried counting the number of people who would even know my last name. I came up with a grand total of 2. And neither of them care about me either.

Of course I've attempted suicide; with a life like mine, who wouldn't? I've tried all sorts of things: knives, pills, trains. And I can't even work up the effort to end it all.

What a pathetic human being I am.

I wish it could all change. I wish one person genuinely cared. But I search and I find no one.

What kind of God would care about me? How can there be a God, with all the suffering I've had to deal with?

I'm not worthy of Heaven anyways. Hell, I deserve worse than Hell.

Well, I got the noose ready, I'll see if I can do it this time.

I still can't do it. I hate myself.

The counsellor keeps trying to talk to me. I wish he could just leave me alone.

There must be something better than this. There must be more to life than sadness.

My emotions keep swirling throgh my head. I feel so lost and alone. All I can do lately is lie in bed and cry.

I haven't gone outside in 5 days. I look disgusting. I doubt my own mother would recognize me like this.

Once upon a time, I had a friend. We used to be inseperable. Now I barely remember what he looked like. I bet he wouldn't recognize me either.

A long time ago, sunlight brought me warmth and joy. Now it's just a monument to what I used to have.

I wish things could go back to they were when I was a little boy. That seems like so long ago. I barely remember the joys I used to feel.

You were the one I needed. And you left me. Like I always knew you would.

I can barely go on. There's just nothing left for me. Tonight, I do it. For real this time.







PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS AN ASSIGNMENT FOR A GRADE 12 ENGLISH CLASS. ALL OF THE ABOVE SENTENCES ARE ENTIRELY FICTITIOUS.